First Union

Captain Zebulon Vance, USMC, Ret., ancestor and namesake of the North Carolina Civil war governor, sat quietly as ladies of the congregation decided on the particulars of upcoming events at Weaverville Baptist Church, of which he was pastor.  Not yet thirty, he’d lost an eye in Iraq, a foot in Kosovo and two fingers in Djibouti since enlisting after college.  He’d done his part and more, everyone knew it and vouched to keep him safe from more grievous harm.

Meanwhile, President Diddler Candy greeted the newest member of her cabinet, Secretary of Defense, Tammy Tightenloud, in the oval office.  Also hailing from North Carolina, Diddler was the bastard child of Fast Eddie Crutchfield and a First Union teller from Bolton.  The victim of a bestial relationship with a pet female Bonobo monkey, she was nicknamed Diddler by classmates.  Georgia, the monkey, also had sexual relations with many of Sarah’s friends, leading to a high school state champion soft ball team.  Diddler went on to be a cheerleader at Carolina.  After graduating, Diddler became a porn star and used her immense income to consolidate ownership of online porn.  The empire was run by fellow Carolina cheerleaders, who were famous for their day-glo thongs.  Diddler and her friends ran for elected office and were very popular.  Diddler had become POTUS in a landslide of free porn and worldwide peace provided by sexual gratification and was beginning her second term.

Tennessee Governor Dewar Boone had been an extremely popular porn star in her own right after attending Carolina with Diddler Candy.  She was also the bastard child of Fast Eddie Crutchfield and a First Union teller from Wilkesboro.  Dewar was named for Fast Eddie’s favorite blended scotch. Nonetheless, Governor Boone had garnered worldwide acclaim for shepherding programs at Oak Ridge to provide the nation with fail safe and economic nuclear reactors, greatly reducing pollution and energy expense.

Dewar had been married to Kent Draper since college, but kept her maiden name for entertainment purposes.  Kent was also the bastard child of Fast Eddie Crutchfield and a First Union teller from Smithfield.  He was named for a thrown away pack of cigs.  Given Dewar’s tremendous success before the camera, Kent had spent their marriage looking after the kids and helping her run for political office.

Their immense wealth allowed Kent to fund pioneering microsurgery research which created a new industry transplanting giant black penises.  It had been very successful until a recent rash of liability claims for erectile narcolepsy from blood leaving the brain as the monstrous thing engorged .

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