Fractured Fun Fourth Festival

From the N&R:

GREENSBORO — Nearly 300 additional police officers will be on-duty Monday and Tuesday to support the many Fun Fourth events in the city.

Officers will be on foot, bicycles, Segways, motorcycles and in marked and unmarked patrol vehicles as thousands of people expected to celebrate Independence Day, according to a police news release.

Hundreds of snowflakes are expected to emerge from their parents’ basements, head downtown and wither like blisters in the sun from too many IPAs.

Mustache wax will run in the gutters.

Meanwhile, at The Forge: Instructing the landscaper so as to be pleased with your yard.

DGI head, Zack Matheny, will don a clown costume for the events and no one will even notice.

Despite throngs of revelers, the ICRCM will do zero business, again.

Festivities will end with people stuck in alleys, gazing at their smartphones.

If things go as normal, about 9:00 tonight, a half dozen of GSO’s finest will tackle and subdue a homeless inebriate in a wheelchair. The crowd will roar.

DGI is renting tasers.

Thousands of visitors will come downtown, look at the IGMFUPAC mudhole and wonder WTF?

At the Cone Denim popup museum, an artisan will be sewing buttons on reproduction shirts no one wants to buy.

Unfortunately, most of the restaurants and coffee shops will be closed as they jockey for position closer to the IGMFUPAC mudhole.

No expense has been spared in preparation for the riot of the dispossessed children at midnight. Residents of Center Pointe will hang from their tiny balconies and yell racist epithets.

Lest Schiffman’s suffer another broken window, security guards and attack dogs will be on hand because that’s how they treat family.

People will celebrate under giant trees on an enormous boulevard, leading to the river, featuring several performing art centers, a suspension bridge and lots of hotels effortlessly accessed by a free trolley. Oh wait. that was last month in Greenville, SC.

If the guy promoting the megasite hadn’t embezzled, gotten caught and offed himself, he might have hosted a tour of the IGMFUPAC mudhole for foreign dignitaries.

Walker Sanders, head of CFGG and unable to attract more pledges for the IGMFUPAC mudhole, will raise money in a dunking booth, where he will demonstrate the amazing ability to breathe through his ears.

Dabney Sanders, unable to raise money for the downtown greenway, will be on hand with a towel, offering encouragement.

DGI will be offering bus tours to the revamped Revolution Mill, where everyone will be mugged by the precocious locals.

Greensboro businesses can’t get to Revolution Mill fast enough, before it defaults.

Indeed, GSO enjoys a rich tradition of shopping centers opening in bankruptcy.

Visitors, seeking respite from the heat and beggars, will be horrified to find homeless people waiting tables.

As usual, every entree served in each restaurant will come with a side of fries, probably from duck fat.

Dozens will succumb to exposure while waiting for their food truck order.

Restaurateurs from Raleigh, inhabiting the worst possible location downtown, will again go ignored and be reduced to extorting money for parking.

Further down, near downtown’s only crummy bridge, a schizo place will try to decide whether to sell coffee or burgers.

Nearby, a place serving only fowl will alarm patrons with a B&W mural of a swamp in winter.

In a new event, the top of the Greene Street parking deck will be quelled of recent riots by those attempting to park. Desperate downtown developers will vie for a twenty dollar bill being waved by Zack Matheny down below by attempting to fly.

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