The Want Machine

I just took a look and it’s been about a month since I held forth here on a subject.  That’s because, what with the job, the Wife and the cats, I haven’t had the opp to think at length about anything.  I simply reverted to the reactionary I’ve been all these years.

There’s something about August.  Maybe it’s the only time the Wife isn’t under the gun with bills and inventory to process.  Anyway, I noticed a couple of weeks ago her becoming manic, and the mouth, which has always been a problem I assign to women in general, became non-stop.  She hit the door, talking about something.  When I hit the door, she started taking about something.  As a result of being an employee, I’m micromanaged at work and at home.

I lost it this morning, picked up my duffel bags, out of which I live, and headed for Liberty, which has been made ready for my roommate arriving in September. Thanks to the cats, I’ve not had a decent night’s sleep since I was last here.

I know I have to go when I begin to hear her voice in my head.  About 4:00 am, after I’d gone to pee, she said all the glass shelves needed to be moved out of the store.  I told her to STFU.  That’s the particular horror of this woman: you never know what or when something is going to come out her mouth.

I like being depended on, but at some point I begin to miss the sense of self, and I long ago gave up hope on her reading what I was doing here, on Facebook and Twitter, which is cool because I primarily do it for myself.  However, it made having a discussion with her on current events difficult.  I understood how social media atomized relationships and created ones based on similar interests, but it also changes a marriage.

She obsesses on the business and the cats.  I no longer have a man cave, so we sit there at night, watching Netflix with laptops going.  It is as though being ten feet further away was infidelity.

I spend a lot of time telling myself how fortunate I am, and it’s true.  Even so, I have the right to be myself.  I killed the local blog, which made her happy, and I’m fine writing about other things, but I had a huge following and that’s all gone.

The other thing is my inability to play music around them.  It is impossible to do anything without being interrupted.  And since the cats must always be obeyed, every action elicits comments and commands.  They’re literally driving me nuts.

I don’t know how long I’ll be here, but I intend to enjoy every second of it.  Twenty-one years and a business are not things you can walk away from.  The most you can hope for is a vacation.

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