Guns are for Cowards


I said that to a guy sitting with his mother at a Holden Beach bar, a few years ago, right after he’d told me how he had inherited this giant gun collection from his granddad, who’d been a DC cop.  He’d also just admitted to charging Obama supporters more for HVAC systems.  I don’t remember them taking it well, but at the time I didn’t really care.  I still think it’s a great way to keep from getting shot.

But just to be safe, I generally avoid white people, and especially conservatives.  They tend to be pushy, what with their White privilege and sense of entitlement.  I tend to go upside their head, get arrested and thrown out of the house.  Fortunately, I retain a room at He-Man Woman Hater’s U, but never grew to like going back to Liberty.

Speaking of which, my tenant has paid a month of rent, after spending several months painting and moving in.  I keep our conversations to a minimum, inasmuch as I’m the landlord, but I’m told he’s very happy going to school during the day and working at night.

Guns also obviate the pleasure of beating you to death with my bare hands.  In Asheboro, kids used to hang out in parking lots late at night, drink beer, smoke, talk and fight.  It’s becoming a lost art.  I think it’s because of fear.

Because I grew up under the threat of thermonuclear annihilation, I simply made it a practice to recognize fear and accept it.  As a result, I frequently visit the doctor and dentist.  For my good behavior, I have been rewarded with a prostate biopsy.  Apparently, it’s what you don’t know that kills you.

I had a couple of neighbors in tears of laughter yesterday, as I chased a tom beating up on our cats with a Nerf rifle, with which I am far less than competent.  I blame my Quaker upbringing for not owning any weapons, and I don’t believe happiness is a warm gun.

After my dad died in ’87, we got my mom a .38 pistol. She almost shot me through the door one night when I came home.  To this day, a gun is always near her and I suspect she would shoot you.  Her fear is real and I’m happy the gun makes her feel more safe.

Since schools are essentially prisons and teachers are reduced to riot control, they should at least be secured by professionals with weapons.  Arming teachers is not a serious solution and Trump knows it.  I’m sorry, but a high school with 3200 students and no armed security is negligence.

Otherwise, the most likely victim of a gun is its owner.  Most gun nuts fantasize about killing black and brown people.  Conservatives love to load up on guns because of fear born of xenophobic ignorance.  The church and country club are established to sequester themselves from the rest of society.  Once they have enough guns, that fear turns to hate and privileged entitlement is reinforced.

I’m pretty sure I have this all figured out, but my parents were poor white trash and I never finished college, and there are probably a few important things I’ve missed.  Therefore, Amazon just sent me a copy of Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life and I’m pretty sure somewhere in there he’ll agree that guns are for cowards.

So, this kid in Florida could’ve fought with his buddies or beat on country club gits or even offed himself.  Everyone apparently knew he was gonna do something.  So, before we dump on law enforcement, somebody needs to look at the school administration.  Let me guess: they’re clueless liberals.  At some point, you approach the position that they deserve some blame for the shooting.

Apparently, the school resource officer thought better of facing down an AR-15 and quit.  He made sure he went home alive at the end of his shift.

The Bath School disaster in 1927 still ranks as the worst in the US, but that was caused by dynamite in the basement.

The Expendables 2 and 3 were on cable last night as vehicles for out of work action heroes, and dozens of supporting actors were expended with automatic weapons and explosives. Best of all, Steven Seagal was nowhere in sight.

An investigation will show that Nick Cruz watched the John Wick flicks just prior to shooting up Parkland high school.

I’m wrong. Cruz is a Tarantino fan and was triggered after watching Hateful Eight.

To be fair, Tarantino should’ve been institutionalized after Django Unchained.

Inglourious Basterds was a cry for help.

After having done the math, we can pretty much blame the Parkland shooting on Uma Thurman.

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