Elderly couple assaulted in Guilford County home invasion

I have a plan for living where people are starving:

– Open your blinds

– Don’t own anything

– Be there as little as possible.

Old people on fixed incomes are easy targets.

We should at least provide the indigent with money for cigs and lottery tickets.

This is especially needed for white people, as blacks have been starving for centuries and are accustomed to the lifestyle.

Besides, if you give money to lazy white people, blacks will end up with most of it.

In my experience, the most theft averse item you can own is a push mower.

I left a rake in the yard and the next morning found two rakes.

I keep an old stove on the porch to signal that I’m also poor white trash.

Even the most pathetic soul in Liberty has cigs and an iPhone.

Most of the Yankee carpetbaggers have moved to Forest Oaks in search of a better class of people to mock.

The middle class in Liberty consists of hardworking Mexicans.

Class distinction is determined by whether you drink Natural Light or Natural Ice.

The Liberty Police Dept. is so regressive that it is located beside the ABC store.

The local Klan chapter folded because being married to a Black or Mexican is so desirable.

All the deviants belong to the LPD and the VFD.

Liberty is so poor a Walmart Express folded in six months.

The ignorant White men who run Liberty perpetuate the squalor by prohibition of fast food franchises.

The best restaurant in Liberty is in Staley.

Seriously, the biggest industry in Liberty, by far, is the sale of illicit drugs.

I saw a black guy working in the Food Lion and asked him if he was lost.

The life expectancy in Liberty is higher in Bangladesh.

A child born in Liberty is consigned to abject stupidity.

With standards of living declining since the seventies, Liberty is populated with two generations of poverty, shared by those too stupid to leave.

Normally, you’d need to go down east to find a town so pathetic as Liberty, comfortably situated near four cities within 20 miles.

The nation’s best megasite lies nearby, undeveloped and utterly useless.

Greensboro and Liberty both suffer from leaders without money or power.

As a bedroom community, Liberty is a nightmare.

While baby killers on their way to and from Fort Bragg bypass Liberty on 421, there has never been any signage directing them into town.

The Ford dealership moved to the interstate in order to survive.

In 2008, Liberty held a parade when most of the Mexicans went home.

Historically, Liberty, known far and wide as having the biggest rubes west of Raleigh, has been the victim of grifters.

One of Liberty’s recent long time mayors is indistinguishable from a dull chimpanzee.

Liberty stands in the shadow of Ramseur in every endeavor. Hell, there’s even a guy selling used appliances.

I pulled time from K-9 in Liberty. Our football coach had a perpetual booger in his nose.

We were the Fighting Toothless Rednecks.

I hear they’ve changed it to Crackheads.

The besieged citizens of Liberty visit court and jail the way most of us go to work.

People don’t stand on the corner and beg in Liberty. There’s no point.

I’ve read about #Fascism all my life and was appalled when it come to #Raleigh, but I never expected to live there.

The notion of elites in Liberty is madness, for no one with any money or power would allow this situation to persist.

There is no corruption in Liberty, save for that which you can smoke or snort.

All the organized crime is exercised by the Liberty Police Dept.

I’d stand less chance of arrest buying crack in the foyer of the GPD Eastern Division than driving slowly by the LPD on my way home.

Barney Fife was overqualified to wield a truncheon in Liberty.

The LPD should be renamed “Shooting Fish in a Barrel.”

The idiotic history books say Liberty is where some slaves were freed, but it’s actually where a bunch of mustered out rebels stopped to take a dump.

The only thing preventing more self-inflicted gunshot wounds in Liberty are: Bud Ice; and the fact that the nearest Walmart is thirteen miles away.

A huge hog farm was planned for downtown Liberty, but they couldn’t determine when one got loose.

Being from Liberty, I am intimately acquainted with the diff between lose and loose.

The churches in Liberty long ago threw their doors open 24-7 to the addicts, except for the Quakers, whence most of them come.

The notion of pacifism in Liberty is madness, where the two sane people rage at the injustice.

The most recent Liberty failure made footstools for ottomans and could not complain of being wiped out by the Chinese.

The richest guy in Liberty owns the only Chinese restaurant.

He’s also the hardest working guy in Liberty.

We’re good friends.

He’d be a lot richer if he sold french fries.

I told him long ago that the GSO restaurant business would collapse without french fries.

The only thing which keeps GSO from being utter cretins is Liberty.

There are lots of places where you can get fries in Ramseur.

Sadly, Liberty labors under a french fry deficit. Oh, the humanity.

Man does not live by hot dogs alone. As you might expect, the Pizza Hut is bested only by the Chinese restaurant next door.

Impossible as it is to imagine, there is no Mexican restaurant in Liberty.

Frankly, I can think of no more damning indictment.

Liberty’s most prominent citizen, other than the guy on death row, was fired from Food Lion for feeling up women in the parking lot. His only reply was that sometimes they said yes.