I’m Qualified to Deliver Pizzas

Last night, I spent a couple of hours exploring the different kinds of porn, only to wake up and read a ZH article telling us how we have the world’s oldest nuclear reactors. How could I have possibly forgotten nuclear porn?

I spent the afternoon excerpting the strangest ZH article I have ever read, about FTX and the madcap comedians behind the attempt to use a child sex blackmail ring to impose a digital currency and render us all sterile. Truth truly is stranger than fiction.

Tomorrow will mark four weeks in my attempt to find a job. Even though I have succeeded at everything I’ve tried for over forty years, no one can read my CV with a straight face, After applying for nearly 200 jobs, I find that I’m qualified to deliver pizzas.

The sad fact is that I have taken myself and this world entirely too seriously. I have just watched the biography of Doug Kenny on Netflix, and am reminded of HST’s quote that when things get weird, the weird turn pro.

I have some experience with this sort of thing. After all, I’m the guy who invented erectile narcolepsy while taking down the local Tea Party by pretending to be a dwarf transvestite Hooter’s waitress named Tammy Tightenloud:

In 2010, Obama was elected and a referendum against gay marriage appeared before the NC General Assembly.

The Tea Party movement occurred and they supported the gay marriage amendment to the state constitution.

We could see from public election records that “cash straight from the damp thighs of strippers” was being deposited in the Tea Party account.

Remember, I had lots of people emailing me info.

At that time, Bill Gates had ended my programming language, so I was working at Office Depot.

Puerto Rican strippers came in every week. Apparently, strip clubs use a lot of office supplies.

I chatted them up and began to acquire knowledge of the interiors of the three strip clubs.

I spent a year on my blog, Vie de Malchance, pretending to be a dwarf transvestite Hooter’s waitress and part time stripper named Tammy Tightenloud. I pretended the Tea Party was holding meetings in the Champagne Room.

The founders of the Guilford County Tea Party were a Romanian prostitute, who was married to the strip clubs owner and the wife of a man who had been convicted of having sex with a fifteen year old and filming it.

As Greensboro elections approached, I pretended to have a copy of the video and blackmailed the Tea Party into admitting publicly what everyone already knew about the convicted ephebophile.

Having destroyed the election of the Tea Party candidate for the legislature, I then said I got the noneexistent video from the Tea Party mayoral candidate and ended her chances.

I invented erectile narcolepsy for the convicted child molester and indicated when he got erect, his member was so large that it drained all the blood from his brain and he passed out.

I indicated he could never go out to the pool at the country club, lest he pass out, fall in the pool and drown.

I spent the next year helping the Guilford County Republican Party repatriate members of the Tea Party by taking an oath not to use their evangelical beliefs in politics.

I was subsequently sued by the Tea Party, thrown out of the house, hired a pro bono NYC first amendment lawyer, and spent the next three months blogging the hilarious contents of the lawsuit, while satisfying their conditions by taking down the blog posts, which was my custom after an election.

Therefore, on the morrow I shall cease looking for a job and begin again to take comedy seriously. This will be bad news for the Wife, but as the Nigerian scammer pretending to be a beautiful woman said to me, it is time to get my shit together.

Before I begin this hopefully hilarious new chapter of my life, I’d like to thank @ElonMusk for the opportunity and the 240 character limit which imposes clarity. The job is enormous, but I believe I am up to it.

Granted, what lies before us is somewhat more imposing than the local Christian evangelicals involved in politics, but I have never shirked the challenge of hard work and will give it that old college try, which I unfortunately never finished.

As it happens, my hobby these last eight years has been chronicling my government’s war crimes committed most recently in Ukraine. The opportunities for mockery represent an embarrassment of riches.

Fortunately, we also enjoy the very real possibility of political and economic collapse in this country, brought on by a magnificent cast of well-heeled buffoons. When humor fails me, simply relating the truth should also be wildly entertaining.

Subconsciously, I had already arrived at this decision earlier today, as I bade a fond adieu to the several job apps constantly spamming my phone. It’s been one hell of a month I hope not to revisit anytime soon.

I also look forward to sharing my humorous adventures with a burgeoning number of followers on VK, the Russian social media site. Sadly, I doubt the millions of Nigerian scammers pretending to be beautiful women will be amused. Alas, c’est la vie.

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